


Get in the Van

by Gilded_Pleasure



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol, Canon Compliant, Coping, Crying and Singing, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, First Meetings, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Grief, Let me Drive Greg's Van Into Your Heart, Music is Important, Mutual Pining, Other, Slice of Life (and Death), Support, Uncommon Interactions, Universe Man and His Therapy Van, all over the timeline, lovers and friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-04 15:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15844551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilded_Pleasure/pseuds/Gilded_Pleasure
Summary: A collection of one-shots in which Greg Universe's van features as setting, catalyst, or McGuffin.Each work is paired with a Henry Rollins quote.





	1. Let Me Drive Your Van Into My Barn

“ _You can get away with a lot of shit if it looks like it’s all you know how to do.”_

-Henry Rollins, _Get In The Van: On The Road With Black Flag  
_

 

“Of course I can pilot it! Didn’t you see my sweet tractor out there?”

Greg had difficulty at the best of times telling whether or not Peridot was serious. And this was not a good time. In fact, it was a moderate to severely _bad_ time. He sighed, starting to feel exasperated. “You mean the sweet tractor that’s the reason we can’t use the warp pad right now?”

Peridot turned slightly greener for a moment, then cleared her throat. “Well, yes, but that’s only because Lapis hasn’t brought back the fuel for it yet!”

“My van isn’t the same as a tractor, Peridot,” Greg corrected tiredly.

She held up one finger and opened her mouth with a deep breath, then shut it again, thinking. She looked at him suspiciously.

“Why not?”

“Because no one lives in the tractor.”

Peridot looked dumbfounded. “Why would anyone live in a tractor?”

“No one-” Greg cut off, tried not to grind his teeth, and reminded himself that he _had_ actually signed up for this. Broadly speaking. Very broadly.

“I’m saying that the van is my _home_ , Peridot. Not just a vehicle. I live in there.”

Peridot squinted out the barn door, through which the van was visible.

She looked back at Greg, chewing her lip. “I don’t understand what your choice of residence has to do with my piloting abilities.”

He tried again from a different angle. “Would you want _m_ e driving the _barn_ around?”

Peridot threw up her arms in aggravation. “Now you’re not making ANY sense!” she shouted. “You can’t _drive_ a _barn_ anywhere!!” Then she sighed deeply, and put what might have meant to be a comforting hand on his topmost ankle.

“We’re out of options, Greg. I can’t use the warp pad, and we have no clue when Steven and Lapis will return. I’m taking the van,” she said evenly. She got up and started walking to the door.

“Don’t do it, Peridot,” Greg said, slightly panicked. “I’m fine! Look, I’m fine!!” He wiggled feebly.

Peridot wheeled around and flung her arm out. “You let the Pearl drive it! It’s just a simple human ship! I’ve been piloting gem vehicles several hundred times its size and power since I was made!”

“Let’s wait until Steven and Lapis come back,” he begged. “I’m sure they can get that tractor moved in no time! I can manage until then.” He hoped.

Peridot sighed, and a solemn look crossed her green features.

“I understand if you’re angry with me,” Peridot said in a small but formal voice. “It is possible I bear some culpability for your...” she gestured vaguely but guiltily, “current situation. Regardless, as the only Crystal gem present, I am responsible for the protection of Earth and its inhabitants and that includes you.”

She flattened her lips together. “I will pilot your human vehicle to the gem temple, and request aid.”

“Peridoooooot,” he wailed as she walked out of the barn and towards his van. Just then, he noticed a bluer spot in the sky over her shoulder had also gotten bigger. And it looked like someone was riding it.

He started hyperventilating.

“Peridot!” he shouted with all his might. “They’re back!! They’re _back_ , you don’t have to take the vaaan!” he sobbed.

She stopped and looked up.

“Oh,” she said, sounding disappointed. “That _is_ them. Well.”

Steven and Lapis landed and walked over to the barn, the promised fuel canister dangling from one of her hands, Steven’s hand in the other, both talking excitedly. Once they got to the doorway, Steven dropped Lapis’ hand numbly and took a step forward, then another, and his face crumpled enigmatically.

“Dad,” he said in a concerned yet also awed voice. “Are you _stuck_ like that?”

Peridot groaned and Greg painfully attempted a deep breath, opening his mouth, when they were both cut off by the sound of splintering wood.

Lapis clung to the threshold of the barn door, nearly crushing it, while her knees seemed to buckle. They all stared at her, open-mouthed. Her head hung down, eyes shadowed by her hair, until she flung it back. Blue fire ignited her gaze.

“Peridot,” she rasped.

“This is the _best_ meep morp you have _ever_ made.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you thought this would be one of those things where you're supposed to leave Greg's predicament to your imagination...it's not. Greg was in fact superglued to three toilets because of Peridot's assumption that 1. canisters of industrial adhesive were equivalent enough to "varnish" for her purposes of "preserving" meep morps for "posterity" and 2. leaving the empty canisters around would not pose any sort of hazard whatsoever. That not being the case, it took nearly a gallon of goo-gone and the partial removal of his beard to get him free. He ended up clean-shaven for the first time in 16 years. As a result, Steven could not look at his father without crying for nearly a week.  
> Lapis also cried for a week over what she perceived to be the destruction of Peridot's master-morp.  
> Peridot's dream of piloting Greg's van remains unfulfilled.


	2. You Are The Untold Story

_“You are the untold story. You are the impassioned truth wanting to scream its existence, to be forever trapped by a strong hand clapped firmly over the mouth of my soul.”_   
― Henry Rollins, [Solipsist](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2737401)

 

“Are you okay, Pearl?”

Pearl’s eyes widened, and she slowly, carefully lowered her hands from her mouth.

Greg swallowed nervously, flicking his eyes back and forth between her and the road. He sounded surprised. Concerned. She should reply.

“I’m-” She licked her lips, testing. “I’m fine.”

Pearl and Greg had started spending slightly more time together after their trip to Empire City. It was more like Pearl had stopped looking for reasons to avoid him at first, but as weeks passed, testing the fabric of their newly cordial relationship had gotten more comfortable. After months passed, Pearl had even started to wonder if maybe it should have _always_ been like this, between them. Until now.

_This was so much easier when I hated you._

When Greg had mentioned he needed to drive out of town for a replacement part the Dondai needed, she offered to come with him on the trip. It was only two hours or so each way, but she supposed she at least owed him the company and help with the repair, since she’d started borrowing it. Driving it alone now and then, imagining one day she’d get the courage to maybe even pick someone up in it. Maybe even a specific someone. For a date.

_Hating you was easier than letting go._

Pearl hastily tried to wipe away the tears that had begun to roll down her face, but Greg still saw.

“I’m gonna just pull over here,” he said in a gentle voice.

“No! No we’re almost home,” she protested, and tried to make a noise that would pass for a laugh. “I told you, I’m fine.”

He got that stubborn look on his face that had always annoyed her, but it just seemed to pass through her now. He pulled over anyway, rolled the windows down, and turned off the engine.

“I’m sorry, Pearl,” he sighed after a few moments. “I wasn’t thinking. I can see how some of those stories could be upsetting for you. I wasn’t trying...” He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I wasn’t trying to rub it in your face. We don’t have to talk about her anymore.”

“No!” she protested vehemently. “No, I...” Her eyes darted, trying to find a way to say what she meant.

The purchase of the replacement carburetor had gone fine, even if it was a little more expensive than Greg had expected. On the return trip, one thing had reminded Greg of something else, which reminded Pearl of another thing, and they’d forgotten to put on more music and instead started talking about the one thing neither of them ever stopped thinking about.

Pearl knew she had to find a way to say what she meant this time. How to say it without... _saying_ it.

“Rose did a lot of things with, with _you_ , that I never knew about.” He blushed violently, but she was too overwhelmed to wonder about it now. “It used to make me angry. But now, hearing about it, instead of just imagining all of the-” she cut off, then tried, “I just feel...” Her throat closed, and another tear ran down her cheek as she continued.

“I feel like maybe, even though she’s gone now, I can still have the chance to get to know her? When you tell me things I didn’t know before. I thought I would be angry, but it’s actually...wonderful.” She wiped it away and exhaled wryly. “Does that even make sense?” She looked down, then glanced over at him.

Greg gave her a small smile, his eyes soft. “It makes a lot of sense. I feel the same way.”

Guilt twisted in her.

She took time choosing her words, and tried to think of something else, to convince herself she meant _anything but that_.

“There are things that she and _I_ did together than you don’t know about,” she ventured carefully.

Greg looked at her very strangely. “Pearl, you don’t have to-”

She held up one hand, then folded them together. Wrung them, considering.

“It’s not fair to you,” she said finally. The gentle breeze from outside smelled like tilled earth; the ocean was still miles away but there was still a hint in the breeze. Then another car blew past them on the far side of the road, spoiling the moment, but the birds never stopped their noise and the otherwise silence returned. It should have been a heavy one, but somehow managed not to be.

“What’s not fair?” Greg asked. He seemed sincerely puzzled.

“There are some things you’ll never know about Rose,” she said finally, biting her lips in the hope he could understand somehow what she meant. _How_ she meant.

His face softened. “That’s okay, Pearl. I know there were a lot of things Rose did, that she said she wasn’t proud of. The war, a lot of the, the alien invasion stuff, where she was from...none of that mattered to me. All I wanted was to spend time with her, here on Earth. And you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with,” he finished, and even smiled a little crookedly.

Pearl covered her face, unable to bear it. “It’s-n-not-fair,” she hiccuped, and felt a hand patting her shoulder. She leaned into it, and then felt his arms wrap around her, hot tears escaping her lids while she shook with emotions she didn’t have names for.

_Hating you was easy because I could never, ever hate_ her _._

“This is awkward with the seat belts,” she mumbled thickly after a few long minutes.

“Heh, yeah,” he replied, sounding a bit congested himself. He let her go, and wiped his eyes before continuing. “But it’s always safety first in my van! You never know what can happen when you take a drive with The Universe!” He laughed weakly.

“Why don’t we head home,” she added, smiling back at him.

“Sure thing.”

Greg started the van again, and pulled back out into the road headed east. But when he reached out to turn the power on the sound system, she reached out and touched his hand.

“Why don’t I sing something? An _old_ song.”

Greg cut his eyes at her, but he was smiling. “Sure, go for it.”

Pearl took a deep breath to steady herself, closed her eyes to concentrate on the bracing wind coming in through her open window. Then she opened her mouth and sung the notes she’d heard only in the privacy of her gem for thousands of years, the wind whisking them out to echo off the hillsides, dangle from the trees, to be churned under their tires into the road.

“Wow,” Greg whispered after the third chorus, half to himself. “I could really write some awesome lyrics to this.” He started humming along, but only under his breath.

She didn’t stop singing, since she couldn’t tell him it had _had_ lyrics, once upon a time. Back when she’d sung it to please Pink Diamond.

She was giving him the song to do what he needed with it; she hoped he _would_ write lyrics for it. Maybe that would be enough.

 

 


	3. Be Like The Moon

“ _The moon will never lie to anyone. Be like the moon. No one hates the moon or wants to kill it. The moon does not take antidepressants and never gets sent to prison. The moon never shot a guy in the face and ran away. The moon has been around a long time and has never tried to rip anyone off. The moon does not care who you want to touch or what color you are. The moon treats everyone the same. The moon never tries to get in on the guest list or use your name to impress others. Be like the moon. When others insult or belittle in an attempt to elevate themselves, the moon sits passively and watches, never lowering itself to anything that weak. The moon is beautiful and bright. It needs no makeup to look beautiful. The moon never shoves clouds out of its way so it can be seen. The moon needs not fame or money to be powerful. The moon never asks you to go to war to defend it. Be like the moon.”_

― Henry Rollins, _[Solipsist](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2737401) _

 

Sometimes, Greg just needed to go for a drive.

When he stared too long into the familiar rose-colored gem embedded in his son’s belly, and it would glow and Steven would chortle his tiny baby version of Rose’s laugh and he started thinking too much; when being _afraid for_ started feeling a little bit like _afraid of_.

When some of the things Pearl said started to eat at him, when he started to hate himself, when he wondered if maybe his family had been right about him after all.

When a normally inert part of his hind-brain decided to get loud, and he’d start to get weird ideas like maybe the next time the sun went down, it would die, and the moon would decide to never come back. They weren’t the kind of ideas that made sense, or song lyrics, or good album covers. They just rattled around jaggedly in the his head and heart until he felt cut up and bruised.

After he closed up the car wash, Greg sat in the back of his van with his knees up and Steven balanced on his legs, the baby’s chubby hands grasping his fingers tightly. “Hey, there, Stevemeister, wanna go visit your auntie Barb for a while? How’s that sound?” As the infant burbled in agreement, Greg wiped away a tear, but luckily, with this kiddo he never had to force himself smile in return. He wondered what he did to deserve such a good-natured child. He packed Steven up into his carseat, where he had a little snooze as Greg drove through the town over to Barb Miller’s place.

Barb answered the door eventually, although he could hear her hollering all the way toward the entrance. “UNIVERSE! Yeah, yeah, I saw you coming up, just had to come around from the back! Hah!”

He watched her eyes take in the diaper bag, the backpack, and his awakened son cooing and dangling happily from the carseat that felt like it was slowly turning his arm to stone. She opened the door wide, stepped back, and he could see her tiny, towheaded daughter Sadie clinging to her leg.

“’Bout that time, eh? Come on in, you two. I was just about to get something going on the stove.”

Greg followed Barb heavily toward the kitchen, slowly as she limped a bit on her bad knee, Sadie clinging to the side of the car seat and already whispering whatever involved tales she always seemed to save up to share with Steven.

Every now and then he would show up at Barb’s house with his baby, or she would show up at the car wash with Sadie, and for a while one of them would have two kids. Neither stayed away longer than three days, and neither felt the need to ask where they went, or why. At least, Greg would no more have asked that than he would why Barb had come back from Keystone State University without a degree, or where Sadie had come from. He knew better than anyone that life has a way of really throwing some curveballs, that was for sure.

“You staying for dinner?” Barb asked brightly as he finally set the occupied carseat down on the table with a groan. She was rummaging around in a cabinet while a big pot in the sink was filling with water. He started to pull out a chair to set the diaper bag on, before he realized that Sadie was already occupying it so she and Steven could continue what appeared to be a very intense, if a bit one-sided, conversation. As he found another chair to wrestle the heavy bags of diapers, formula, bottles, and toys onto, he finally remembered Barb had asked him a question, and he should probably answer it.

“I really appreciate the offer, Barb, but I better get going,” he smiled.

Sadie had broken off her stream of whispers and was giggling behind her hand, and Steven chortled in response. Greg leaned down and put his hand on the side of the carseat, pushing the collapsible handle back and locking it in place. “Sorry to interrupt, Sadie.”

Barb’s daughter pulled a lock of her coarse yellow hair out of her mouth and nodded politely. “That’s okay, Mr. Universe.”

He leaned down to Steven. “Hey kiddo, you be good for Barb, okay?” He smiled, and kissed him on the top of his tiny, curly head. “See you a little later, huh?”

“I’ll just be farting around this place all weekend! Call if you need anything,” Barb half-shouted, clattering more pots and pans from a lower cabinet.

“Thanks, Barb,” he called back, tearing his eyes away from his son and swallowing down gulps of strange guilt until he got outside. Greg shut the door behind him and took a big, deep breath. He waited a few minutes to see if he could hear a baby’s cry over Barb’s reassuring noise; he felt like somehow Steven was waiting until he was gone to wail at Greg’s absence, even though Barb said he never did unless he was wet or hungry. It was like his own kid was trying not to make him feel bad for leaving, protecting his feelings, or something.

Greg scrubbed his hands over his face. His thoughts were getting weird again, that’s why he was going for a drive in the first place. Clear his head, get a grip, put on some tunes and just exist for a while. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and stepped off the curb, walking the long way around the back of the van before getting in and turning the engine over.

Once he got out of town, his head started to clear and he hit the power button on the van’s CD player. _Queen’s Greatest Hits_ picked right back up wherever it had left off, which this time was right at the beginning of _Don’t Stop Me Now_. Perfect. This player would get to the end of a disc, then immediately start playing the same one from the beginning unless he changed the settings. There were two volumes, but he really just thought of them as the Blue one and the Red one. He smiled, thinking of Garnet and her relationship, how she _was_ a relationship, then it was like someone poured acid over his heart as he was reminded of Rose, like always.

He just tried to accept it, since there was nothing he could actually do about it. And it wasn’t like there was anything that didn’t remind him of Rose; _breathing_ reminded him of her. He couldn’t help his awareness of everything that made him a human being; she had made him hyperaware of it. By the time _You’re My Best Friend_ was playing, he was crying a bit but it passed like a cloud; no need to pull over and collect himself. He just really wanted to keep on going for now.

The sun was setting over the ocean as he drove south along the coast. If Rose had still been sitting next to him, he would have wondered aloud if there was a way to drive following the sun, and stay in the sunset forever. At least until he had to sleep, or eat. A way to make that perfect moment last, or make some new moments trying. It was the sort of thing they used to talk about for hours; Rose knew a lot about the way the earth did what it did, but more importantly, she knew a lot about how it could make you feel.

He went through the rest of the best of Queen, and as night fell moved on to Judas Priest, Dio, Guns N Roses. He put on his ABBA mix to get through that awkward part of a Friday night when a lot of people decided to go out and make questionable choices, some of them requiring him to pay close attention, and even honk once or twice.

The moon rose, but Greg didn’t stop off any any of the usual lookout points or scenic restaurants. He just let the weird thoughts happen, and the painful ones. Sometimes he laughed suddenly, or blinked tears away. It had been a long week at the car wash, and he was tired. But tonight, it seemed like the wheels just wouldn’t stop turning, so he rolled the windows down and kept going until the lights disappeared and only the moon shone indifferently down on the hills. He was getting tired. Tired- _er_.

What if Pearl was right? What if Rose _was_ still in there, somehow? He didn’t like thinking that way around Steven, he worried too much it would change how he acted towards him. He wondered what kind of person his son, _their_ son, would turn out to be. How much of him would be _him_ , and how much… the gem? Would he be a replica of Rose, but also somehow... a baby?

He couldn’t really even imagine that, and it also sort of scared him. For a second, he let himself think of how frightened he felt pretty much all the time. He wished desperately she were still here, that she had some way to tell him what to do. The road blurred, but he didn’t bother to wipe away his tears this time. His beard could have them. He was so tired, and everything was too much. The road stayed the same, the moon stayed the same, painting everything an identical silver, like everything was covered in cobwebs and he was driving through an enormous haunted mansion. Trees like giant table legs. _I’m so..._

Something slammed into the side of the van and he heard a voice holler, “Greg! Wake up!”

He screamed, the van swerving back into the road from the ditch he’d nearly driven it into. Whatever had hit his van was _climbing in_ through the passenger side window, and he opened his mouth to scream some more before the interior was bathed in a pale purple glow and he realized what it was. _Who_ it was. He pulled over and let the van coast to a stop, breathing heavily, then goggled at the suddenly occupied passenger seat.

“ _Amethyst?_ ”

She looked incredulously at him. “You almost drove this thing into a ditch! What are you-” She cut off, crossing her arms angrily.

Greg wiped his face and shook his head in an attempt to clear it.

“Were you...following me? Have you _been_ following me? _What’s going on?_ ”

Amethyst frowned and glanced down, to the side. She fiddled with the catch to the glove box. Greg felt irrationally angry, but only for a moment. After all, it had been a good thing Amethyst had been there this time. He took a deep breath to apologize for yelling, but Amethyst spoke first.

“How can you just be _leaving_ like this,” she growled accusingly.

He opened his mouth, then shut it again. There were a lot of things he could have said, and considered saying, but he was tired, and done, and it would all come out weird.

“I’m not leaving,” he said instead.

She frowned, not looking at him. Then she pointed down the road.

“There’s a place up there on the other side, where you can see the water. It’s nice.”

Greg started up the van again, and pulled out into the road. He wondered how she knew about something like that, if she came out this far when she….wait. He blinked, realizing who he was talking to.

“Were you _flying_ out there?”

“Yup,” she replied simply.

The place Amethyst must’ve been talking about _was_ nice, a space between hills that created a sort of bluff and had a view of the sea, with a wide stretch of shell gravel past the shoulder he could pull the van off on to. He did so, then unbuckled and hopped out of the van to get a better look. It was gorgeous, in fact, the moon silvering each leaf on the trees that stood to the side of the gravel space, and the ocean looked like it was made of flowing mercury.

Greg got back in and faced the van away from the view, then got out and opened up the back. Amethyst joined him this time.

“What are you doing?” she asked curiously.

He rubbed his sore eyes. “I came out here too far. There’s no way I can get back home without at least trying to rest, so...” He crawled up onto the floor of the van and started rummaging around, tossed Amethyst a soft CD case and crawled over to his bedding. “I have the system set up in the back, too,” Greg yawned. He rolled over onto his belly, staring out over the edge at the moonlit scenery, and gave a great sigh. “Play whatever you want.”

Amethyst crawled up in after him, holding the case to her chest awkwardly. He heard her rummaging around for a few minutes, putting a disc in the system behind him, then she came and plopped down next to his bedding on her back and looking up and out at the moon. His eyelids started to droop as ambient tones and low, thrumming bass softly filled the car, but Amethyst started talking.

“You’re really not leaving? You didn’t give Steven to that lady?”

He turned his head where it lay on his folded arms to look at her. The moon reflected off the whites of her eyes and her gem, made her already-silverish hair looked carved from stone until she moved. She tucked her hands into the long sleeves of her sweater, then folded them behind her head and waited for an answer.

“Sometimes, I-” he tried to blink through his sleep deprivation. “Everything’s a little too much. So Barb watches Steven for me for a little while, and I go for a drive. To clear my head, and...” He sighed, giving up trying to string together a coherent sentence. “Why were you out flying, anyways?”

She shrugged enigmatically. The music swelled, thrumming with increasing urgency without ever becoming noise.

“What _is_ this?” he asked, a little annoyed but trying not to show it. He thought he knew every album in the van backwards and forwards, but this seemed wholly unfamiliar.

“The disc said ‘Godspeed You! Black Emperor’ on it. With an explamation point in the middle. I found it in one of those boxes under the seat,” she emphasized. After a moment she added, “Do you think Rose would have liked it?”

Acid bathed his heart, and he mumbled, “I don’t know. She liked songs with words more, I think.” A tear slid from the corner of Amethyst’s eye, and he hurried to add, “she still would have liked it, though! I’m not sure there was any kind of music Rose didn’t like.” A second joined the first, and he lifted his head and leaned up so he could pat her shoulder awkwardly. “She always did like the way you hit those skins, too,” he ventured softly.

Amethyst slapped his hand off her shoulder.

“I don’t care!” she shrieked, then suddenly rolled over onto his blanket and clutched him, burying her face in the crook of the elbow he was leaning up on. “I hate it,” she continued, almost choking. “I _hate_ her!”

His breath hitched.

“You don’t mean that, Amethyst.”

“Why did she do it?” she sobbed. “Why did she just… _leave_?”

He was too tired. He leaned up a little more and put his other arm around her, patted her hair. “I don’t know,” he replied dully. Tears rolled down his face too, but he didn’t notice. “I don’t know.”

She kicked, growling, aiming at the CD player in the back without lifting up her face or looking. “Hey!” he yelled, as she kicked again and it shut off. One of her feet glanced off his shin but he barely winced.

“How can you just be _okay_ with it?” she groaned incoherently into his arm.

“I’m not,” he said heavily, exhausted.

She hiccuped, then moved her head to glance up suspiciously at him.

“I’m not okay,” Greg elaborated. He looked up at the moon blearily. “I’m trying to figure out how to be okay with,” his throat closed, and he tried again. “With _not_ being okay. Kinda like the moon, you know? It’s not okay or, or not not-okay, it’s just _up there_.” He felt woozy, his head full of snot. “It just keeps going. I gotta be like that; I gotta be like the moon. I can’t just _give up_ , and I’m not gonna leave Steven, or you all.” He blinked and smiled weakly. “The moon’s gotta go for a drive, sometimes, too... but it always comes back. It was never really gone.”

He found an old sock, blew his nose in it, then tossed it in the trash bag hanging down from a hook on the inside wall of the van. His head hurt, so he reclaimed the arm she’d clung to and laid down. She was still crying, but softly now. He sighed, and put his other arm back over her. “I’m not _leaving_ ,” he mumbled defiantly, and fell instantly asleep with his face in her slightly sticky hair.

When he woke up late the next morning, Amethyst wasn’t in the van. He had half-convinced himself he’d dreamed the whole thing until he heard her calling him from somewhere below.

“Heyyy, _Greg_!” She hollered in a singsong voice. “There’s _tide pools_ down here!”

So he ended up eating his breakfast granola bars sitting on a boulder overlooking the shallow dips and hollows between rocks that had retained shards of the sea, watching Amethyst wet her sleeves and trying not to look to closely at whatever she was shoving into her mouth now and then. When he brushed himself off, shoved the trash in his pocket and pulled his keys back out, stretching his arms in preparation for the long drive back, she nonchalantly walked around to wait at the passenger door. He was a little surprised, but didn’t say anything as they hopped in and buckled up other than, “You can pick the songs for the first leg, if you want.”

He let her choose the soundtrack for the second leg too, after they stopped off for gas, and some lunch at one of the restaurants he’d passed on the way back. Sure, Amethyst made a mess, but it was nothing after months of taking care of Steven. If he was honest, it was nothing compared to the inside of his van right now, or the inside of his head. Amethyst’s mess was fixable, or at least finite. It had an end. The rest of the trip home was pleasant enough, and he had to admit he felt glad that Amethyst was there making filthy jokes and drumming along to death metal blast beats on the van’s dashboard.

When they finally drove up to Barb’s place again, he got out and walked around as Amethyst exited the vehicle.

“I better get going,” she said flippantly and started to turn away, then stopped as he cleared his throat.

“Hey,” he began, then cleared his throat again before continuing. “If you want to come by sometimes, you know. You could. We could talk, or...watch some shows? I’ve got that TV and a VCR back there, too.”

She blinked and pushed her hair back, but it fell back instantly to cover her eye once more.

“Like...to the van?”

“Well, yeah,” he replied earnestly. “That’s where I live, remember?”

“Maybe,” she said, looked down. “We could just look at the moon for a while, right? Sure.”

She looked up and grinned wickedly. “But only if you stop being such a saaad saaaack!” she called, as her gem glowed and she transformed into the enormous purple owl he’d seen a few times before. He’d slammed himself back against the van when she changed, but shook his head and tried to relax as she cackled like a banshee and disappeared over the trees.

_Wait, do banshees even cackle?_

He wondered about that, thinking about haunted mansions and cackling banshees while humming to himself as he came up to the door, rung the bell, and waited to be reunited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Ooh, you make me live_   
>  _Whenever this world is cruel to me_   
>  _I got you to help me forgive_   
>  _Ooh, you make me live now honey_   
>  _You're my best friend._   
> 


	4. Take It Easy

“ _I would like to be able to say that she broke my heart but I know better. I broke my own heart. I can't say that she did it and get behind that statement in any real way. I know too much. The only one I can blame for my loneliness is myself.”_  
― Henry Rollins, [Eye Scream](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2737403)

 

Lapis activates the viewer on the moon base and plays the day’s events again.

The only sound here is what she brought herself. Her voice breaks but she keeps singing through sheer force of will.

It’s easy.

In the van, Peridot and Steven are talking.

Their mouths move silently, rapidly then slowly. Steven plays an instrument. They’re singing.

Maybe if Lapis was really there in the van, if she could just hear the song, it would make her able to peel away the fear, find her courage, swallow her pride, just go back. The song will teach her how to love someone enough. She would learn how to want good things to happen someday.

The only water here is what she brought herself. She keeps the molecules together by sheer force of will.

It’s easy.

When Lapis found the moon base viewer, it was like a dream come true. To be a part of everyone without actually having to exist. To know everything and be touched by nothing. To finally dissolve her own awareness, observing without presence.

In the van, Peridot is crying.

If she could hear the song, she’d know why.

The only love here is what she brought herself. Cracked and distorted, she keeps the fissures open by sheer force of will.

It isn’t easy.

Lapis is glad she can’t hear the song.

 

 


	5. You Can Find Me In The Frozen Mood Section

“ _You can find me in the frozen mood section.”_  
― Henry Rollins, [Solipsist](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2737401)

 

Greg kissed Rose one more time, then one _more_ time, then she finally disappeared into a beam of light and it felt like his heart flew up with her.

“Wow,” he breathed.

The walk down from the temple and across the beach was always dreamlike, especially at night, when everything felt secret and exciting and unknowable. His heart and his mind burst with a day full of Rose; the way she laughed, the scent of her hair, the way she appreciated the sun on your face, dancing and swimming, and talking about life. Each moment with her was like living in a song they were writing together.

The van was parked a quarter mile away or so up the beach; any closer and Pearl started complaining about humans and fences and dangerous precedents. She didn’t like him hanging around in the temple when they weren’t there, either, but when he pointed out he didn’t actually _have_ a way to know if they were there or not, she’d opened and closed her mouth, then pretended like he hadn’t said anything. She didn’t bring it up again, but he really tried to stick to it, at least as much as he could bring himself to. The temple was Pearl’s home as much as Rose’s, and he wasn’t gonna disrespect her like that. Well, at least not when he was hungry. It’s not like there was _food_ in the temple.

Greg kicked up a little puff of dry sand, laughed at the way it sparkled, almost unearthly in the starlight. His van came into view, and although it looked the same as it always did, it seemed like something was...off, somehow. He wasn’t sure what, but gooseflesh peppered his arms and legs for a moment. He shivered again as he approached it, and when his fingers touched the door handle he snatched them back, rubbing his fingers. It was _cold_ ; colder than the warm summer night could account for.

He backpedaled a few steps, stumbling over the little hillock that separated the hard, wet sand from the dry dunes. If he squinted, he could almost see a dim, blue outline around the doors. He was probably just imagining it.

“Hello?” he called tentatively. “Is...somebody in there?”

No sound or even a flicker was forthcoming. Maybe he was just an idiot yelling at his own empty vehicle on an abandoned beach.

“It’s okay if you are!” he called. “But I um,” he rubbed the back of his head. “I’m just gonna grab a bite to eat, if that’s okay?”

Getting blasted into atoms or torn limb from limb seemed like a possibility more or less all the time since his life had changed for the better a few months ago, especially when Pearl was around. He couldn’t say he was necessarily _used_ it it, but he braced himself and thought of Rose as he grabbed the handle again. It made a crackling noise as he pulled at it, and when he opened the door, the blue glow he thought he’d imagined spilled out over him and the sand.

He squinted into it. The light was being held by the tiniest woman he’d ever seen, sitting calmly with her upturned hands nestled one in the other, resting on her skirt. She wore a billowing blue and white dress, her face half-obscured by some seriously voluminous bangs. She sat there like a cake topper, tucked up almost against the back of the front seats.

“Hello, Greg,” she intoned ominously.

He swallowed, and wondered how she knew his name...but then, who knows how long she’d been in his van there, along with all his worldly possessions. Maybe he didn’t want to know the answer to that.

“H-have we met?” he asked instead.

“Yes, and no,” she answered evenly.

“Oh, boy,” he breathed, pushing his hair out of his face a little. He took the few steps back toward the van, and tried to get a better look. Her hair was white, but she didn’t seem old or anything. She didn’t look young, either. And no, it wasn’t just the lighting, she was actually blue. Not a woman at all, then. And she wasn’t _holding_ a light.

“Are you...” he trailed off nervously. Licked his lips. He was _really_ hungry. Hanging out with Rose really took it out of him sometimes.

“Are you one of Rose’s…friends?” he tried, hopefully.

“Yes,” she replied, and smiled. It was a really nice smile, actually.

He returned it, feeling a little relieved, if not exactly comfortable. “Hey, me too! Or at least, I think _she’s_ pretty amazing.” He glanced into the van’s interior, and continued, “I was just hoping to, well, get some food? In there? If that’s okay with you?”

“Of course,” she replied. “You live here.”

“That’s um, true,” he replied, nonplussed, and crawled hesitantly into the van’s glow-filled interior. He shivered, and realized it wasn’t just the unnerving company; it was actually pretty cold. He grabbed a blanket off the laundry pile and wrapped it around himself, then opened the cooler to see if there was anything left in it. A six-pack of Budweiser, and there-yes! A few convenience-store sandwiches that were still perfectly viable, and not too soggy.

He sat down a little distance from her, since there was plenty of room in the van, and wrapped the blanket around himself. He plopped down and unwrapped one of the sandwiches, shoving the food into his mouth gratefully. His hunger made the egg salad delicious, and he realized he hadn’t eaten since yesterday. Or...was it the day before yesterday, now? He wasn’t sure, and didn’t care.

He kept his eyes on her as he ate, trying not to be too messy although he supposed etiquette might not apply to someone who had broken into your van, which you also lived in, and laid in wait for unknown reasons. Still, he couldn’t help wanting to be polite in front of someone who sat so...formally? Or maybe it was just that she was so still and expressionless. He couldn’t even tell if she was watching him or not; her hair covered her eyes completely.

“I’m here because we’re not sure what needs to be done about you,” she intoned out of nowhere.

The last bite of his third sandwich went tasteless in his mouth as he froze, and he suddenly felt like he needed to pee. With an effort, he swallowed the unchewed lump and wiped his mouth on the blanket before stuttering, “D-done about m-m-me?”

“Yes,” she replied tonelessly.

“Oh boy,” he whispered again, then shivered. He was pretty sure running wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference, as he was intimately familiar by now with the knowledge that this-this _gem_ , he was sure of it-could make and execute whatever decision she made about him regardless. He tried to control his breathing, since it was now visible in the cold air currently filling his van.

“You’re going to change her,” the tiny blue being added. A delicate web of frost crept up the interior siding as he watched; when it got to an electrical cord there was a tiny popping noise and a puff of snow that made him jump. “But we don’t change.”

Greg sat there, feeling like a rabbit in a meat locker. He tried to think of something that could convince her that he wasn’t a problem that needed to be solved permanently, but he didn't even know if that was true, or what she wanted here. Heck, he didn’t even know her name or who she was talking about when she said-

“Wait a second,” he tried. “Are you talking about _Rose_?”

“Of course,” she said again, but colder.

“Well, I’m not a hundred percent sure what kind of changes you’re talking about, but do I know when she came into my life, _everything_ changed for me.” He took a deep breath, but telling the truth about this was easy. “I got rid of my crappy manager, I stayed here instead of finishing my east coast tour, and I don’t even know where my next meal’s coming from,” he rushed out, and glanced wryly at the near-empty cooler.

“I know I’m not really...that great. I don’t know what she sees in me, but it feels, well. It feels real. _She’s_ real, and amazing, and beautiful, and interesting, and she never says what I’m expecting her to say. With Rose, everything feels like this insane adventure, even stuff I’ve done about a million times before.” The blue being continued to sit motionless; he couldn’t even tell if she could _see_ him. A hysterical bark of a laugh escaped him, and maybe he was about to die, but he just couldn’t stop talking about her.

“When she looks at something, it’s like I can look at it through her eyes and I’m really seeing it for the first time. When Rose laughs, I feel like you could crumple me _and_ my van up into a ball of tinfoil and, and throw me into space right now and it wouldn’t change anything about the way I feel.” He felt tears start, and he wiped his eyes irritably. “I could get in an accident tomorrow, a meteor could hit the earth, or Pearl will finally just kill me, and it wouldn’t change the fact that it would be worth it. Because I love her. I’m _in love_ with her. I wouldn’t go back and do anything different,” he finished, and looked defiantly back at the blue gem that had laid in wait for him.

Her lips were slightly parted, maybe in surprise? He was breathing heavily, but he couldn’t see it anymore. Talking like that had warmed him up. Or maybe...she was doing that?

“Pearl’s not going to kill you,” she said after a minute, and her voice sounded a little warmer, too.

“That’s uh, that’s good,” he replied shakily.

“If she was going to, she would have already done it,” his uninvited companion continued with an uncomfortable amount of finality. He shivered again even though it wasn’t cold anymore.

“I’m not going to kill you, either,” she finished.

“You’re not?”

“No,” she said emphatically, almost sounding like a person. “I’m sorry I frightened you.” She clasped her hands together under her chin, and the light disappeared.

“Oh!” she said softly, and it reappeared. “Sorry again.”

“Heh, at least I’m not...scared of the dark?” he laughed weakly.

“Garnet didn’t understand what she saw,” the she continued, “And I guess I’m not doing much better, after all.” He opened his mouth to respond to that but she asked him a question.

“Will you still love her? Even if she changes somehow?”

Greg smiled and looked down for a second. “I can’t imagine ever _not_ loving her. But I know I’m not the same person I was before I met her, so yeah, maybe she’ll change, too. Isn’t that how it works?”

He was graced with her dazzling smile a second time. “I used to think that sort of thing wasn’t possible.” she said quietly. “But then…I met someone who helped me change, too.”

“Wow,” he sighed sincerely. “I think that’s great.”

Greg shifted, and realized he really didn’t need the blanket anymore. Actually, he felt like he could really go for a drink, since the spit had fled his mouth at the start of this...conversation, whatever it was, and hadn’t returned. He shrugged out of his swaddling, leaned back over to the cooler, and remembered his manners.

“Would you like one of these too, uh….?” He pointed a beer at her questioningly.

“I’m Sapphire,” she said and smiled warmly.

“It’s really nice to meet you.” He quirked the can at her again.

“That would be nice,” she replied.

He popped the top and handed it to her, and she took it in her non-gemmed hand to balance presumably on her knee, the other upturned and resting on her skirts. It was actually hard to tell how she was sitting, or if she had legs in there or what. He drank and tried not to think about it, she followed suit, surprisingly.

“This has bubbles in it!” she exclaimed.

Greg managed not to spray her while muffling his sudden laugh in his own wrist, wiped his mouth and swallowed. “Heh, yeah, it does,” he agreed mildly. “I’m glad you like it.”

She took another sip. “Is this really safe for humans to drink?” she asked in a bemused voice.

Greg tried to think about how to answer that in an accurate way, then considered that if she was Rose’s friend, she might not necessarily be...new to Earth.

“It’s alcohol,” he said, and hoped that would be enough.

“I see,” she replied, and brought the container closer. Then she moved her bangs aside to inspect the beverage, and he jumped a bit as he saw she only had one eye, right in the middle of her face. He drank from his own can, trying not to stare, but he realized he was already sort of used to it. She looked nice, actually.

“Hey, um, Sapphire. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you decide to, uh, come and talk to me? I guess I don’t really understand, but you seem worried about something. Is there some way I can...help you?”

She tilted her head at him musingly; being able to see her expression made her seem a lot less scary, eye notwithstanding. She smiled. “You _are_ charming, Mr. Universe,” she said in an amused voice. Then she sort of, _flowed_ forward somehow, lifting a tiny hand to brush his hair away from his face, casting its serene blue glow over his features. “And pretty,” she added, and his revealed face suddenly burned. “But there’s more to you than that. Your fate will be different than most humans. I wonder if that’s why she’s going to change.”

She settled back and chugged about half the can of beer she was holding, then burped politely behind white-gloved fingers before continuing. “Garnet’s future vision works differently than mine, but what she saw frightened her. Then she saw me coming to talk to you, and learning something important. I thought I would learn what the vision meant, and then I could decide what to do about it.”

Greg swallowed nervously, not sure what a “future vision” was, but it sounded scary. “Did you?” he asked hesitantly.

“No,” she replied, smiling kindly; this time he could see it in her eye, too. “But I did learn something important.”

“About what?”

Her smile broadened into a grin that lit up her whole face.

“Love,” she replied.

He couldn’t help smiling back. “Was it Garnet?” he asked without thinking.

“Was what Garnet?” she asked quizzically.

“Who helped you-change, you said?”

Sapphire’s laugh chimed like a bell, and he felt the last of his tension relax. He really wasn’t going to die, at least not tonight. Probably. Maybe he was just a little tipsy, or sleep-deprived, but he felt like he and Sapphire were already old friends.

“No! Well, _yes,_ but…Garnet came later. And before. But maybe she...that’s an interesting question” She set her almost-empty beer down, and gazed out at the starlit sky. “I should be getting back, now. She’ll be waiting for me back at the temple-”

“I’m not in the temple!” a tiny but desperate-sounding voice suddenly cried out from what seemed like underneath his van.

“Ruby!” Sapphire cried, and rushed out so quickly he had to grab her discarded can from where it had been knocked over. Luckily it _was_ nearly empty.

Greg followed her out, and realized she was embracing another gem out on the starlit beach. They were both of a height but otherwise it was a little hard to tell what she looked like, since the night was moonless, but he thought maybe red?

“You really surprised me!” Sapphire was saying. The other gem bowed her fluffy head, but neither let go of the other, even for a moment.

“I was under the truck! The van! It’s not what we agreed, but I knew you were nervous.” she replied solemnly. “I didn’t want to leave you alone!”

“It’s okay, Ruby,” Sapphire said huskily, stroking the other gem’s cheek tenderly. “I’m glad you were here.”

“Me too,” Ruby replied, and her lips met Sapphire’s. Then Greg had to narrow his eyes against the sudden blue and red glow, as both of them seemed to melt and then turn blindingly into white light-

and suddenly Garnet stood on the beach, blinking at him hesitantly.

Greg gaped at her.

“That didn’t go how I expected,” she said bluntly.

He opened and closed his mouth a time or two before replying. “Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still am.”

Garnet laughed, then slapped him on the shoulder companionably, her three eyes holding humor, concern, and friendship. “I can relate to that,” she said wryly.

“So you’re...still Sapphire?” he ventured, confused.

Garnet was still smiling as she flicked her fingers, and her accustomed visor appeared with a brief sparkle.

“Yes, and no,” she replied enigmatically. “Right now, Ruby and Sapphire are being Garnet. We usually are.”

“Wow,” he breathed sincerely. “That actually makes sense. Is there anything else-” he stopped, rephrased.

“Is there anything I can help _you_ with?”

Her lips quirked.

“How about another beer for the road?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crack open a boy with the cold one


	6. Inside

“ _I would like to be able to gently drift in and out of existence when I wanted to.”_  
― Henry Rollins, [Solipsist](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2737401)

Inside the van, it always seemed like an in-between twilight. Some sun came in through the front windows from the near-sunset, and there would still be light later on from the bonfire that roared a little ways down the beach. The air inside was close without being musty. It cradled and insulated without being suffocating.

One of the back doors of the van cracked open, and a bar of light hit the dark-haired girl curled up against the interior wall.

“Connie? Hey, are you in here?”

“Steven...I don’t know if I can do this.”

He sighed and crawled up into the back of the van, shut the door behind him. He sat down next to her, but didn’t say anything.

“I just know they’re gonna freak out,” Connie said again.

Steven chewed his lip for a moment, trying to think of something else to say this time. “Well, what happens after that?”

“What do you mean?”

“What happens after they freak out?” Steven clarified.

“I guess I haven’t thought about it past that," she admitted.

“What do they usually do after they freak out?”

Connie didn’t answer.

“Connie, I’m starting to feel like I’m...lying. About something important.”

“But we’re not _lying_. We were both there; _we_ did all those things.”

“When does leaving something out start to become lying?” Steven’s eyes were downcast.

“I guess I don’t know,” Connie said queasily.

Steven crawled forward to the center of the van, laid down on his back and covered his face with his hands.

“Connie, I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I guess it’s just that...you know my mom was a liar. She even lied about who she was. I don’t wanna be like that. But then I worry I _am_ like that, or maybe I can’t _help_ but be….sorry. I mean, _I’m_ sorry.” He sighed. “These are _my_ problems. Not yours.”

The sounds of the get together on the beach came muffled through the walls of the van. Priyanka Maheswaran chatted delightedly and deprecatingly about seventeenth century philosophy with Pearl; it sounded like Peridot was performing a demonstration of her powers on soda cans and meatforks (uh oh) for Doug. Greg and Amethyst were running the grill, and it smelled great. Hopefully there’d be some food left for everyone else. Garnet was-

“You know, they already know about Garnet. They were at the wedding. Doesn’t that make it a little easier?”

Connie sighed. “Not really. It kind of makes it worse. I wish we-I wish we had _already_ showed them.”

“Huh?” Steven asked, confused. “How does that make it worse? Isn’t it less scary if they already know what fusion is?”

Connie blushed and whispered, “What if they think it’s like-like _kissing_?”

“Why would they-oh.” Steven blushed too. “Oh, boy. I guess your folks really don’t, uh, yeah,” he finished in a choked whisper.

Connie wiped both hands over her hair and down the nape of her neck, interlaced her fingers there, sighed.

Steven looked up at her. “What if we… broke it to them easy? Maybe we should...maybe we could ask Opal to show up? She’s different. Well, sort of. Or even-what about Smoky Quartz?”

“Steven, I think we might be making this too complicated.”

“You’re right,” Steven sighed.

Connie pulled her hands down, and folded them back into her lap. Steepled her thumbs.

They sat together in silence for a little while, then Connie spoke.

“But maybe….maybe they just need to _get over_ it. Because, well, it’s not _like_ that. Or, more like it’s whatever WE decide it’s like. You know?”

Steven nodded. Waited.

Connie frowned, thinking hard. She was breathing normally, and her posture, although tense, wasn’t panicked.

“Maybe _I_ need to get over it.”

Steven blinked. “Whadd’you mean?”

She took a deep breath and shut her eyes.

“I’ve got all these weird hangups and I don’t even know _why_ half the time. I mean, I’m always thinking ‘that’s just how it is’ but like, what if that’s _not_ how it is? What if it’s...”

She took another breath, measured, even.

“What if that’s really just what other people think? My parents, people at school...people I don’t even know! Maybe just people I’m imagining.” A small bark of laughter escaped her, but her eyes didn’t open. “I’m making decisions based on what _imaginary people_ might think about me. That’s crazy.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy.”

She opened her eyes and looked down at Steven.

“But I’m acting like I’m doing something wrong, even though I _know_ that’s not true. But I guess it’s because...I don’t want my parents to think I’m gross. I don’t want them to think _Stevonnie’s_ gross. But I can’t...I can’t control what they’ll think, or how they’ll react. I just have to accept that. I can’t care what _anyone_ thinks.”

Steven looked at Connie, his face relaxed and open.

“Connie, it’s okay to care what they think. They’re your _parents_. I mean, remember how freaked out Stevonnie was when _my_ dad found out? They though he was gonna be super mad or something. And he’s been hanging around gems for like a bazillion years!”

Connie got a weird, thoughtful look on her face.

“They’re Stevonnie’s parents, too.”

The weird look was contagious. “I never thought about it like that,” Steven replied.

They both sat quietly with that idea for a minute or two.

Steven slowly extended his arm towards Connie, his upturned hand near her crossed ankles.

“Why don’t we let Stevonnie decide?”

Connie looked down at Steven’s hand, then took it. She interlaced their fingers, then lay down next to him.

“I think that’s a good idea. It doesn’t have to be some kind of demonstration, like-” she giggled. “Whatever Peridot’s doing out there with those meat forks.”

Steven grinned. “And they don’t have to go out there if they decide they don’t want to.”

They closed their eyes, and thought about what it means to be

_-Best Friends-_

and Stevonnie opened their eyes, hands interlaced over their gem. They sat up slowly, feeling at their hair. It was pulled back into a ponytail; they let it stay. Stevonnie felt at their cheeks, glad that Steven had decided to shave recently; Stevonnie had more facial hair than Steven, so it made a difference. Doug laughed uproariously outside the van; Peridot snickered self-consciously, and Stevonnie’s stomach fluttered. They crossed their legs, straightened their back and took several deep breaths.

_Whatever happens, we’re going to be together, and it’s going to be fine. It’s okay to be nervous. It doesn’t matter what we look like. What I look like. I’m fine just the way I am._

Stevonnie pushed open the van door quietly, blinking a bit as the adjustment left afterimages in their vision. It had gotten darker in the van since Connie had first gone in. But the sun was really setting now; it touched the horizon and everything was blazing pink and orange.

Amethyst and Greg were still by the barbecue, turning the hotdogs, foil-wrapped corn, unidentifiable objects, and hamburgers, occasionally throwing small, slightly-burned bits of food at each other. Greg had an apron on; he wiped his hand on it as Amethyst stole a toasting bun off the top tier of the grill.

Dad turned around and his eyes fell on Stevonnie. He swiped at (and missed) a black smear on his forehead with the back of his hand, gave an encouraging smile, but otherwise didn’t do or say anything out of the ordinary. Then, he turned to toss a small, charred bit of hamburger meat at Amethyst. She caught it in her mouth, growling theatrically, and he threw back his head and laughed.

Garnet sat in a collapsible lawn chair set up near the bonfire; she held something on the end of a stick toward the flames, but Stevonnie had a feeling she was just enjoying watching it burn. A sweet, calming perfume filled the air around her; maybe it was a marshmallow.

Dr and Mr Maheswaran ( _Mom and Dad_ _)_ seemed to see Stevonnie at the same time. Mom smiled and nodded at Pearl, then walked over toward the bonfire, near Garnet but facing Stevonnie. Dad (other Dad? Mr Maheswaran?) patted Peridot on the shoulder; she nodded and grinned before levitating her collection of metal objects over towards Bismuth, who looked keenly interested. Doug joined Priyanka near the fire and put an arm around her waist.

Stevonnie took a deep breath and strode towards them. They slowed on the approach, as Mom and Dad’s eyes widened and they came to a stop in front of them. They wiped a sweaty hand on their shorts, and-

_-keep it together. it’s okay. they’re not mad. it’s fine-_

smiled shakily.

“Hi,” Stevonnie said.

Doug cleared his throat. “You must be Stevonnie. I’m-,” he cast his eyes towards Priyanka. She shut her mouth with a click, then took a deep breath.

“It’s nice to….meet you?” Mom added, holding out her hand toward Stevonnie.

Stevonnie took their mother’s hand; Priyanka gave it a squeeze. Baffled, Stevonnie darted their eyes behind her at Garnet, who lowered her visor for a moment.

Garnet winked at them before replacing her lenses. “We’ve got S’mores,” she drawled laconically, lifting the foil over a tray of graham crackers, marshmallows, chocolate bars and metal skewers.

“Not before _dinner_ we don’t,” Mom stated primly, almost as if someone had pulled a string in her back and played a pre-recorded message. She blinked and looked down for a second, then let Stevonnie’s hand go. “Anyway, I was _just_ saying-”

“Dinner’s READY!” Amethyst bellowed gaily from the grill. Mr Universe waved his spatula at them.

“Oh, it’s already dinnertime,” Mr Maheswaran commented unnecessarily.

Priyanka smiled at him. “You know, at first I really didn’t think they would be able to do anything to the seekh kebab without it falling apart, but they really do seem to know what they’re doing. It smells divine.”

Stevonnie grinned. “Yeah, they’re my-our...they’re my favorite!”

“You know what, dear? Why don’t you just have a seat here with Garnet, and we’ll go and make you a plate.” She frowned, almost wrung her hands, then stopped. “Wait, will your, uh, will Connie’s usual amount be...enough? For...you?” Her voice wheedled out of existence.

Stevonnie plopped gamely down into one of the chairs next to Garnet, scratching the back of their neck self-consciously. “Maybe uh, just add...three hot dogs please? They’re my favorite.” They blushed. “They’re _also_ my favorite. And a hamburger. And, thank you.”

Dr and Mr Maheswaran went off together to have paper plates filled to the brim by Greg and Amethyst, and Stevonnie tilted their head towards Garnet. “Did you...say something to them? About me?”

“Just the basics,” she replied cryptically.

Stevonnie chewed their lip for a moment, not sure how to feel about it.

“When?”

“At the reception,” she replied with a smile, but it faded. “At first I was just answering a few questions about fusion, and gems.” Garnet trailed off ominously. “Then they asked about Steven.”

“Oh.” Stevonnie swallowed. “Why didn’t you say anything to us?” they added hesitantly.

Garnet sighed, and her visor glimmered out of existence. Her eyes held love, concern, sincerity.

“I saw this going a lot worse if I didn’t answer them honestly. So I did. But Steven and Connie had to decide the where and the when of it for themselves.” She exhaled tensely. “Connie especially. Anything I said would have made it go differently. The conversation in the van needed to happen.”

Stevonnie considered the burden of Garnet’s future vision heavily. “You’re probably right, Garnet,” they confessed after a moment. Putting those feelings into words had been really important.

Garnet looked relieved. Her visor reappeared with a flick of her fingers, and she added, “You’re not alone in this. We’re family, and we can all support each other.” Garnet smiled as Pearl exited the beach house bearing a massive tray laden with cumin-seeded rice, naan, chutney, ketchup, and mustard. “I think your parents asked Amethyst and Pearl about fusion, too. But, just remember that _we’re here_ , whenever you need anything, alright?” Garnet stuck her flaming stick into the sand decisively, then leapt out of the chair.

“Time for a beer,” she muttered, and strode away in the general direction of the cooler.

Mom and Dad came over with full plates, followed by Amethyst who was holding a foil-wrapped corn on the cob in one hand, and a can of grape soda in the other. Their parents handed them two plates, one piled with perfectly formed and grilled mutton on top of flatbread, the other with the requested hot dogs and hamburger. Stevonnie thanked them and balanced one on each knee; Dr and Mr Maheswaran seated themselves in Garnet’s vacated chair and the one on the opposite side.

Amethyst plopped her butt down in the sand and took a big bite out of the end of her cob of corn, crunching messily.

“Hey, Stevonnie,” she remarked casually after swallowing the corn, foil and all. “Glad you could make it.”

Stevonnie folded their naan a little petulantly around a bite of meat, cabbage, and chutney.

“Did everyone know I was coming except for me?” they muttered rhetorically before shoving the bite into their mouth. Wow, it was _really_ good.

“Don’t be such a _teenager_ ,” Amethyst scoffed at them, but she smiled and finished her corn. Greg came over and sat right there in the sand alongside Amethyst with his plate, and Pearl came to sit in the last vacant chair, folding her hands in her lap.

“Oh, hello, Stevonnie,” Pearl leaned forward, smiling. “How is the cabbage slaw? I’ve never made it before.”

Stevonnie smiled. “It’s great, ma’am!” they proclaimed before shoving another mouthful in.

Mom was frowning at them thoughtfully.

“So, Stevonnie,” she began. “Are you...” She tried again. “Are you _older_ than Steven and Connie?”

“I...think so?” Stevonnie replied absently with their mouth full.

“How, uh, is that possible?” Mr Maheswaran added, squinting at them.

Stevonnie’s dinner started to feel a little unsettled. “I...don’t know?” they quavered, looking down at their plate.

Mr Universe looked up and suddenly asked, “Oh, hey Doug! Amethyst was just telling me she finally found those old golf clubs of mine- she’s been storing them in the temple for me! When are we gonna get out on the kinks together?”

Doug laughed; Priyanka inexplicably blushed. “I think you mean the _links_ ,” Doug corrected with a wink before launching into a long winded explanation of his apparently very involved golfing schedule. Pearl, of all people, seemed to be hanging on his every word. Before they knew it, Stevonnie was popping the last bite of the final hot dog into their mouth. “Now that’s what I call two dinners,” they whispered with a satisfied sigh.

Stevonnie stood up and took their plate over to the trash can, then looked around for the cooler. It was down over on the other side of the bonfire, past the bbq. They walked over and squatted down to open the cooler to see what sort of drinks were available. Grape soda, ginger ale...and...there. Lychee soda! “Yes!” Stevonnie whispered, grabbed one and closed the cooler. Over its lid, they saw Bismuth and Peridot eyeballing them; well, Bismuth was just looking. Peridot was eyeballing. She looked like she was about to come over, and in fact, she took a step or two in their direction before Garnet stepped in her path and started talking, the beer she’d mentioned earlier in one fist.

“Thanks, Garnet” Stevonnie whispered to themself. They weren’t really feeling up to dealing with Peridot’s probing and blunt attitude at the moment. This wasn’t horrible or anything, but it was a little….awkward.

“Con-Stevonnie, there you are.”

Stevonnie stood up, turned around and there was Mom. It was weird being taller than her.

“Hey, mom. I mean, Dr Maheswaran.”

She smiled. “I suppose we’re both getting used to that.”

Stevonnie smiled back tentatively.

“How about we take a little walk?”

Stevonnie swallowed, then remembered they had a soda and drank it all, putting the empty bottle carefully into the recycling bin. “Okay, sure,” they replied.

As they walked out past the ring of the firelight and toward the waves, the ocean almost seemed to glow. Stevonnie looked up and saw that the sun had disappeared over the horizon, although there was still a good amount of light left. They glanced over at Dr Maheswaran and noticed she seemed to be darting surreptitious glances at Stevonnie’s body. _Here we go_ , Stevonnie thought, face burning. Mom looked away and cleared her throat.

“So….what exactly...do you have to do to make... _that_...happen?”

Stevonnie looked sideways at her and sighed exasperatedly. “Mom. It’s just a dance. Or sometimes….a hug. Or you just kinda grab hands, if you’ve done it a lot. It can happen on accident, I guess, but being able to do it reliably takes practice.” Stevonnie frowned, then smiled.

“We do sword training like this sometimes, too.”

“Really?” Priyanka replied. “I didn’t think Steven knew how to use a sword.”

Stevonnie laughed. “He doesn’t.” They ducked their head a little sheepishly. “He’s pretty bad at it, actually.”

“But-” She squinted at them. “then, how do you…?”

Stevonnie grinned, and stopped walking suddenly. “And Connie can’t do this!” Stevonnie summoned their shield in a bright pink flash. Dr Maheswaran jumped back, then peered at it. It disappeared into a few bright motes, and she gasped. She came closer, as if trying to find out where it had been hidden.

“It comes from my gem,” Stevonnie explained. “Remember, Dr Mahesawaran? Um, Steven’s gem.”

Priyanka gazed at Stevonnie’s exposed midriff. “It’s that, right?” She stepped closer, squinted up at them, and her mouth dropped open a little.

Her hand reached out and touched Stevonnie’s face gently, eyes narrowing. “Do you have a… a beard?”

Stevonnie blushed, but didn’t say anything, or step back. A fat tear filled their eye and rolled down their face.

Priyanka’s eyes widened. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Mom,” Stevonnie whispered. “Do you think I’m gross?”

“What?” Dr Maheswaran’s other hand came up and she cupped Stevonnie’s face. “No, of course not! You’re beautiful! Or maybe, er, handsome? You’re... _very_ tall.” She smiled weakly, put her hands on Stevonnie’s shoulders and met their eyes squarely. Stevonnie choked back a sob, but another tear squeezed out despite them.

“Stevonnie, I don’t necessarily... understand everything all the time. But I don’t _need_ to understand everything for you to know that I, well, that I _love_ you. You’re my daughter, and...and my daughter’s best friend.” She gave a short laugh, then her face got serious again; almost tender. “I _don’t think you’re gross,_ ” she repeated vehemently. Then she pulled Stevonnie in for a hug. Stevonnie’s shoulders heaved once, then they took a deep breath and pulled back.

“Shall we walk back together?” Priyanka asked.

“Yeah,” they replied. “I think it’s time for S’mores.”


	7. Outside

“ _Someday, I would like to go home. The exact location of this place, I don't know, but someday I would like to go. There would be a pleasing feeling of familiarity and a sense of welcome in everything I saw. People would greet me warmly. They would remind me of the length of my absence and the thousands of miles I had travelled in those restless years, but mostly, they would tell me that I had been missed, and that things were better now I had returned.”_

― Henry Rollins, spoken word performance

 

Amethyst kicks the van door, pizza in one hand, a wreath of flowers in the other held behind her. A second floral crown sits jauntily on top of her silvery lavender hair.

“Greg, open up!” she calls happily. “Check out what I have!”

The van door cracks open, spilling bluish light originating from a laptop sitting on the bed, then swings wide.  
“Pizza! Now that’s something to celebrate,” Greg says with a smile. “You sharing?”

“Mmm, I could let you have a slice or two,” Amethyst replies, hopping up into the back of the van in one leap. “What’ll you give me for it?” She closes the van door behind her, leaving only moonlight and the ocean to wash over the beach.

The tide came in hours ago, but the water doesn’t quite manage to reach the van’s rear tires. However, a small group of crabs exits the sea and saunters towards the sand underneath the van, nipping at it and occasionally bringing pincers to fluttering crab mouths.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Greg teases. “How does a...million bucks sound?”

Amethyst laughs heartily. “Eh, _pass_ ,” she says in an affectedly flippant voice. “What’re you doing hanging out over here tonight, anyways? You scalping tickets for Garnet’s Big Day tomorrow?”

“I’m using the wi-fi at the house to watch Netfilms,” he replies excitedly. “Barb was telling me all about it. They have all kinds of movies, old shows, no commercials...hey, check this out.”

Amethyst gasps. “Is that _Zana_? The Barbarian Queen?? That show was crazy!”  
“Yeah!” Greg shouts, sounding like his mouth is full. “I used to watch this every week when it came out over at Vidalia’s, but then life got complicated and well, I ended up forgetting about it. I never even saw the finale! I’m in the middle of the third season now, you wanna finish up this ep with me? I think I’ve got some grape soda, too.”

“Sure thing, Gregarino. Hey, how does this thing work?”

The sounds of rummaging issue faintly from the van, then soda cans opening. “Here ya go. Oh, you just hit the uh, the long one in the middle.”

“I’m an _alien invader_ , Greg. I know everything about space, including space _bars_.”

He snorts, then the sounds of swordfighting, grunting, and explosions can be heard faintly over the sound of the surf. The moonshadows lengthen, and the crabs eventually wander over the beach, all the way to the white-draped pavilion and folding chairs set up a little distance away. The lights spilling out of the beach house windows go dark, and even the ones visible from the town proper dim. The night is clear, and the stars are sharp. Eventually, the theme music plays again before shutting off a moment later.

“Huh,” Amethyst muses. “It was like, they were kissing, but it was really that guy inhabiting Gennelle’s body. Not like Zana and Gennelle were _really_ kissing.”

“I guess not,” Greg agrees mildly. “I don’t really understand a lot of those parts of the story, I keep forgetting who everyone’s supposed to be and whose body they’re possessing this time. I just really like watching her do like eight backflips through the air instead of just walking over to the bar and punching the guy. Besides, her crown of swords doesn’t hold a candle to your crown of flowers, Ames.”

“What are you-” Amethyst begins, then cuts off with a laugh. “Oh, I totally forgot about it! Ha! Look, here, I brought one for you, too! It’s just like the one you had at that human zoo!”

“Wow!” he replies. “This is great, Amethyst! Did you make these?”

“Yeah! We had all these flowers just laying around to decorate that tent thing. Oh, hey, it looks good on you.”

“Awww, thanks Amethyst. Wait a sec, did you know I still have the one they made for me at the zoo?”

“What? No way!”

“Yeah, I have it right in here. Connie showed me how to dry it out and keep it from falling apart, and put this stuff on it so it won’t just turn into dust. I swear, that girl knows everything. Just be careful cause it’s fragile.”

“It really is the same one,” Amethyst comments musingly.

“Connie said she didn’t even recognize any of those flowers, and she even checked out a few books about plants from the library,” Greg explains. “She said they might be flowers that don’t even grow on earth anymore, like maybe they went extinct and only exist in that zoo now. Do they look like anything you remember?”

“Neato,” Amethyst breathes. “But eh, I don’t know, they just look like flowers to me.”

“It’s too bad that Ruby stole the ship right after all that,” Greg muses. “All those people...they were really nice to me. And Steven. I wish we had some way to go and, I dunno, visit or something? See if they wanted to live on the Earth for real? Sure, they had everything they needed, but that doesn’t make it okay. They’re still _trapped_ there. People need to be free, even if they’ve never even known what it’s like to have a bad time in their whole lives.” He pauses a moment. “At least until _I_ showed up,” he grumbles regretfully under his breath.

“What are you-oh, wait! The Famethysts said something happened that made the humans freak out so bad they had to go in there, but I thought you just lit everything on fire like a normal person. Did something like, seriously _happen_ in there?”

Greg doesn’t answer right away.

“It’s kind of embarrassing,” he says after a minute.

“Oh ho ho ho ho,” Amethyst chuckles, “now you _gotta_ tell me.”

A resigned sigh. “Well, you know those earrings I had? They have a little speaker or something in them that tells you what to do and when to do it. Like, eating and washing and sleeping and all of that. None of those people in the zoo ever had to make those kinds of decisions.”

“That’s so weird,” Amethyst comments.

“Yeah, I thought so too at first, but it wasn’t like there was anything else to do, and the stuff it was saying seemed pretty reasonable. And everyone was so nice to me! I don’t think any of them had ever seen someone new show up that wasn’t just, you know, _born_. For a while it was like I actually was a rock star, to them at least. Everyone wanted to talk to me, give me things, ask me about myself.”

“Okay, but what _happened_ ,” Amethyst urges.

“Uh boy,” Greg moans. “Well, once Steven got there, that night we tried breaking in through the door, but it didn’t work. He even tried punching me to see if they would come in if someone got hurt. But that didn’t work either. So... it was late at night and the earrings started telling us that some kind of choosing ceremony was going to happen. Er, choosening.”

“Whaaat,” Amethyst drawls, caught up in the story. Clouds begin to skid across the sky, hiding the moon intermittently. The sound of another soda can opening pierces the night breeze.

“Yeah, I was kinda freaking out. So, we get back to the group and all the adults are standing around in this big ol circle, right? And Wy-Six tells Steven to go over to the side and wait until it’s done, and he pulls me over to get in the circle-”

“Wait,” Amethyst interrupts. “Is this going where I think it’s going?”

“Turns out they didn’t have to make decisions about _that_ either.”

“Nooooo way,” Amethyst chortles. “They seriously just... _picked_ someone for you? Wait, who was it?”

“Oh, uh, it was Jay-ten, I think. I dunno, I was just trying to figure out a way out of there! The ones who already got choosened were kissing and going off into the woods, and I-”

“Did you _doooo it_?”

“What! No, Amethyst, I didn’t DO it. That wasn’t exactly a priority, and did I mention that Steven was _right there_??”

Amethyst laughs uproariously for a minute, then trails off thoughtfully. “If he _hadn’t_ been there, do you think you would have done it? With Jadin or whoever?” she asks in a voice that almost sounds serious.

Greg sighs quietly inside the van. The stars flash as clouds reveal and conceal them, and the wind carries the sea air inland.

“Come on, Amethyst, you know I’m not really... like that.” Greg says quietly. “I didn’t even know those people.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re really not, are you?” she muses. “You never were, either. Huh. But like, what _did_ you do to make everyone go crazy like that?”

Greg chuckled ruefully. “Well, at first I told them that on earth, everyone gets to choose for themselves.”

Okay,” she replies.

“But then they decided they all wanted to choose _me,_ ” he adds, then starts laughing. Amethyst doesn’t.

“I know, I know! It’s completely ridiculous, I’m old, and fat, and losing my hair, but they all said they wanted-”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Amethyst interrupts.

“Wh-what?” Greg says.

“What’s so ridiculous about it?” she insists with some heat. “Did you trick them or something? Do you think they were _stupid_ for liking you?”

Greg is quiet for several long moments.

“No,” he says finally, quietly. “They’re not stupid. They mean what they say, and they care about each other a lot. I don’t think they ever lied to anyone in their lives. Actually...when I told them I didn’t _choosened_ any of them, that’s when they started all that commotion, and all the Amethysts came in. And that little red gem, I don’t remember her name.”

“Oh!” Amethyst cries. “Carnelian! She’s really great, even if she _is_ taller than me.”

Greg laughs, but kindly. “You know, when I first got dragged into that place, the first gem I saw that wasn’t Blue Diamond or...or..Pearl? I thought she was _you_ ,” Greg says wryly.

“An Amethyst?” Amethyst asks.

“Had to be,” Greg replies. “I tried to grab onto her, but she was grabbing me, and then they were just dragging me towards this hole in the wall. I was panicking and just, I talked to her like she was you, but then I saw her eyes were different and-”

“8XL!!” Amethyst almost-yells. “She does look like me, doesn’t she,” she adds almost shyly. “I never thought I’d meet someone who looked like me.”

“I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you,” Greg adds in an awed voice. “Did you ever meet another Amethyst? Before then?”

Amethyst snorts. “I never met a gem YOU haven’t met before then!”

“Was it scary?” Greg asks hesitantly. “Meeting a whole bunch of... yous?”

“No,” Amethyst replies quietly. “You were there; It wasn’t scary at all. It was… it was _more_ than that, it was...”

Quiet for a moment. Amethyst sniffs.

“Hey,” Greg says tenderly. “Hey. Come here.”

“I don’t know why I’m being like this,” she says after a minute. “Nothing bad happened, I’m being stupid.”

“Don’t say that,” he replies. “It’s a lot to process, and it hasn’t even been that long. Maybe it changed things for you.”

An extra-large wave crashes onto the beach, and an almost booming noise echoes off the bluff over Beach City, drowning them out. It foams and surges; eventually receding. Amethyst is speaking again.

“Everything about me, I could look at those other Amethysts and see something we had in common. I always thought I’d stick out like a sore thumb. But now I almost feel like there’s nothing...” she trails off.

“There was _never_ anything wrong with you, Amethyst.” Greg says firmly.

“Weird, it’s almost like I believe you now. I guess I really just had to, I dunno, see them for myself. Really talk with them. Maybe I understand why _you_ talk so much now.” Amethyst sighs. “I wish they were coming to the wedding.”

“Me too. Mmm, sort of. We still have more people than we thought we would,” Greg replies. “Did I tell you, Andy said he’s flying in tomorrow morning?”

“Ugh,” Amethyst groans.

“Yeah...kind of a douche, isn’t he?”

Amethyst just laughs.

“Well, Steven really likes having him around,” Greg continues, then breaks into a chuckle. “If we’re ‘all gonna marry each other’, he’s gonna want to be there, right? Heh, I still can’t believe Pearl said that in front of Andy, of all people. I wonder if that’s where Garnet got the idea at first?”

“No way, that was _all_ Steven. Did you see that hundred-pound scrapbook of his?”

“Hold on a sec, Ames, let me...ugh, my arm fell asleep. No, come on back, it’s fine. Oh, the Dream Wedding Planner? Ha, I helped _make_ half that thing. Do you know how many magazine subscriptions I’ve bought over the last seven years for that kid to cut up? Actual paper magazines?”

Amethyst chuckles. “Just admit you loved it. Or at least, you loved watching _him_ love it.” She pauses. “Are _you_ ever gonna get married?”

“ _M_ _e_? You kidding?”

“What, you too good to do human stuff anymore?”

“I like _human stuff_ just  fine,” Greg laughs, then he sighs. “It’s just not something I ever really think about. Never did. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t do most things the way other people do. Can you really imagine me somewhere, just living in a house, being all...married?”

“I can’t imagine you anywhere but here,” Amethyst replies seriously. “I don’t know. Won’t you be- ugh, I don’t know. Don’t you ever get lonely?”

Quiet. A creaking noise. “How the heck could I be lonely when you’re right here with me?”

“That’s not what I meant! I just, look, Greg, you’re...I mean...”

“Amethyst, listen. I got my van here, and the carwash. I even got the Dondai now, and this laptop computer we’re watching old shows on. Sure, I miss Rose; I think about her every day. We all miss her, but I got you to...to miss her _with_. I got the absolute best kid in the world, I got Barb and Vidalia, and I’ve got you gems. Even Peridot! And for now, y’all got me.”

Starlight silvers the crest of a wave as it breaks on the shore, this time washing all the way to the van’s rear treads. The van is too heavy to be tugged, but a little of the wet sand under its tires erodes. The salt in the air whispers a promise of rust into the chassis.

“But I’m not gonna be here forever,” Greg sighs sadly.

“Don’t just _say_ that!” Amethyst shrieks.

“Shhh, Amethyst, it’s late. No, I mean it. I worry about y’all all the time, I worry about the earth, and Steven, and all this Homeworld stuff going on. But I don’t sit around wishing I was doing something else; I do what I wanna be doing because I don’t know if it’ll all be here tomorrow. I don’t know if _I’ll_ still be here tomorrow. I just do the best I can, and I stay where I wanna be. I got food and a place to live...I got _nine million dollars_ , Am. I don’t _need_ anything.” He pauses. “What about what _you_ need?” he asks.

“I need you to stop talking about dying, you jerk.”

“Okay,” he chuckles softly. “I’ll stop. Sorry to get all heavy on you. I guess I’m just really glad you’re here.”

Grig sighs heavily, the van creaks again as he continues. “It’s great we’re hanging out again, you know? And we like the same stuff. I’ve got you to go to concerts with me, and grill up hot dogs, and talk with late at night and sleep all day, and share pizzas and bring me flow-”

The moon has risen and limns the van’s intricate paint job, rendering _Mr UNIVERSE_ in what looks like greyscale; the moons, stars and planets spangled on the panels seem reflected in the sparkling sky. The waves still crash on the beach, but a little further away from the van each time. An insomniac seagull cries once, but the sound is washed away by the push and pull of the night breeze.

“It’s been a while,” Greg says huskily. “I didn’t think you still...thought of me that way.”

“Come on, man.” Amethyst’s whisper is barely audible. “You know it’s not the same as before. It’s not weird like that. _I’m_ not like that anymore.”

“Oh jeez, Amethyst. I’m sorry for saying all that stuff about dying, and liking you. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I wanted... I didn’t say those things because I wanted _you_ to let me have-ow! Ow, that’s my hair!”

“I’m not _letting_ you do anything,” Amethyst growls. “You don’t think I could tear you in half right now?”

Greg clears his throat. “Yeah,” he rasps a slightly pained laugh. “It’s kinda hot.”

Amethyst doesn’t laugh. “Did it ever occur to you that I’m exactly where _I_ wanna be, doing what _I wanna do_? You think you’re the only one who thinks about that stuff, just because I’m not talking about it every five minutes?”

“No, I-” Greg sighs in relief. “No, I know you do. I’m-”

“Do you _wanna_ be kissing me?” Amethyst interrupts.

The surf crashes, retreats.

“Yeah,” Greg says softly.

“Then shut up and do it already.”

The crabs scuttle back into the ocean, each one disappearing with little plips into the luminescent foam of the surf. The clouds thicken and slowly obscure the moon, first in part and then completely. The sky’s glow dims and becomes ambient; the moisture in the air seems to insulate the roar of the surf. Drizzle threatens, yet doesn’t quite manage to coalesce.

A sudden, crashing noise in the van is almost loud enough to echo.

“Shit,” Amethyst hisses. “Are you okay?”

Rustling; the sound of something scraping.

“I’m fine, I’m...”

“Is it broken?”

“I don’t know.” Greg gives a suspiciously muffled laugh; an edge of hysteria creeps into his voice. “I told you, it’s been a while.”

“If it _is_ busted, just buy another one. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you okay?”

“Me? I’m fine, ya dink.”

“You don’t think...they woke up, did you?”

“Oh my gosh, Greg, it’s _fine_. They all went to bed early.”

“Am, the other gems don’t really sleep. Do you think-”

“Just get back in here. Okay?”

Rustling; a clinking noise. The van creaks.

“Hey,” Amethyst says quietly after a few minutes. “It’s just us in here. It’s not like before, when everything else was just piled in here with us. I’m not trying to forget anything, or stop thinking, or...”

“I don’t think we have anything to take out on each other anymore” Greg says softly. “I’m not sad, I just really like you. It’s nice.”

“I don’t feel angry all the time anymore,” Amethyst half-whispers. “I just really like you, too. If you want, we can just get some rest. Or we could go back to it?”

“Here. Come here.”

After a while, Amethyst makes a noise.

“Is that okay?” Greg.

“It’s a good answer,” she gasps.

The drizzle slowly dissipates, and the air lightens. The van creaks, but not as much as might be expected. When the moon returns, so do the crabs, emboldened by conditions only crustaceans can understand. The sound of the waves pulling at the sand enfolds sighs and whispers, washes them out to sea.

Right before the point past which no reasonable person could expect to be rested enough for a long day tomorrow, a snore begins to emit from the van.

Sometime after that point, a second set of snores punctuates the first.

The earth turns, and eventually the horizon starts to glow. Before the sun makes an appearance, a banging noise splits the predawn air. A second bang, and the door of the van swings open.

Amethyst is still lying down, squinting into the face of the unconscious man in front of her in the bluish light coming in from the door she’s kicked open. She starts to sit up, then lays back down and tenderly coaxes a sizable lock of her hair out of his sleeping mouth, and another from under his head. She sits up successfully this time, blinking in the growing light, before casually kicking a torn piece of pizza box out from under the covers.

Amethyst scrubs a hand through her hair, winces, then sniffs her fingers and grimaces. She rolls off the mattress, and rummages in a metal box shoved against the side of the interior paneling. She jumps out of the van holding a pink bar of soap and walks directly into the ocean, disappearing under the waves.

When she emerges ten minutes later, her gem glows as she shifts into the form of a dog, shakes herself vigorously, then shifts back and opens the other door before climbing back into the van. The soap is nowhere in evidence.

“Wake up, Music Man,” she whispers. Greg is facedown, and she rubs his back.

“Greg,” she says louder.

He groans incoherently.

Amethyst grins and throws herself down beside him on the mattress. “Hey, how many years has it been since I remembered to deliver your _birthday spankings_?” she says, even louder this time.

Greg rolls over and sits upright without opening his eyes, a piece of paper stuck to his ear.

“I’m up, I’m up,” he groans. The paper flutters off, catching the sunrise in a flash of white. “t’s not my birthday. It’s the wedding,” he mumbles, barely coherent.

“Your eyes still aren’t open,” she observes patiently.

“Give me a minute,” he replies.

“You need a _shower_ , man. You smell like old pizza and butt. The theme’s supposed to be _flames and dolphins_ , remember?”

Greg smiles, and finally his eyes flicker open. “Yeah,” he says softly, then he squints through the open van doors, blushes, and starts pawing at the blankets. “Hey, did you see my shorts?”

“Probably still in there somewhere, dude.”

Amethyst opens the laptop and starts messing around with it while Greg disappears under the blankets for a few minutes. He crawls out with his shorts pulled up crookedly over his hips, and opens the metal box from before. Then he looks over at Amethyst and frowns.

“Hey, what happened to my soap?”

“We ran out of pizza.”

Greg sighs heavily, then creeps to the edge of the van bed and peers hesitantly out over towards the beach house, blushing. He swings his legs out, but rather than getting out just droops on the edge of the van bed miserably.. Amethyst closes the laptop, which turns out not to be broken after all, and scoots over to sit next to Greg on the tailgate.

“Walk of shame, walk of shaaaaame,” she teases in a stage whisper.

His blush deepens, and he scratches his beard, eyes downcast.

“Sorry,” Amethyst capitulates, then puts her hand on his shoulder. “Sorry. Hey. Look, no one’s even up yet.” She indicates the still-dark beach house with her chin. “And even if they were, it’s not like they care. Isn’t your suit already hanging up in there anyways? Just, don’t get all in your head about it. Get a shower, get changed, and get ready to play them down the aisle, okay?”

Greg slides his hand over Amethyst’s on his shoulder, gives it a squeeze. She leans in and gives him a hesitant peck on the cheek, but it cools his blush instead of deepening it. He flashes her a smile, pulls his towel off the hook and hops out of the van. He turns to her.

“You gonna be around?” he asks.

Amethyst dangles her legs out of the van, leans forward.

“I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.”

 


	8. Seeing Ghosts

“ _I'll never forget how the depression and loneliness felt good and bad at the same time. Still does.”_  
― Henry Rollins, Get In The Van

“Hey, Mr Universe,” Sadie Miller said casually as she grabbed the interior handle and stretched her leg up as far as it would go, then leaped up the rest of the way into the van’s front passenger seat. She loved the way the ancient but obviously pampered leather seat always seemed welcoming, and had enough height that she could usually manage to see over the dashboard even without a pillow. Sadie shut the door decisively, buckled in, crossed her arms over her belly and turned her head to smile at the familiar profile of the man in the driver’s seat. He was wearing a button up shirt over a black t-shirt, and had a ball cap on for some unfathomable reason. His jeans actually reached his ankles for a change, but the impression that he was almost dressed-up (for him, at least) was slightly spoiled by his worn out flip-flops.

“Top of the morning, Sadie _Killer_!” Greg grinned amiably without taking his eyes off the road for a second as he pulled out into the barely existent traffic, checking his mirrors briefly before glancing at her. “You’re gonna flip when you see all the stuff they got in last week. Capes, custom fang sets, makeup, even a spider skeleton!”

Sadie thought about that for a second. “I’m not sure spiders _have_ skeletons,” she remarked a little dryly, but kindly. Greg had closed the car wash and picked her up this work-free weekday morning to make a drive out past Ocean Town, or what was left of it, to some of the outlet malls where Halloween stores had rented out some of the empty spaces. She felt flattered he wanted to take her on this special trip, since she knew he was a stickler for keeping his workplace open, just in case. Even though he didn’t really need to, anymore. He’d also offered to purchase anything she wanted for costumes and stage props.

“Hey, are you sure you don’t want me to at least chip in for all this stuff?” Sadie added hesitantly. “I mean, I’ve been living with mom my whole life, and she doesn’t charge me rent or anything, wouldn’t even listen when I offered.” She and Mr Universe shared a smile over that; Barb’s occasionally selective deafness was something they were both more than familiar with. “I got enough saved up from working at the Big D to at least pay for our outfits or something,” she finished. “Maybe a mic stand?”

Sadie rubbed her arm and blushed a little, considering how many of her paychecks from her former job had gone into her collections of horror movies and memorabilia over the years. Luckily the VHS tapes she preferred to watch her films on were usually cheap, but some of the more obscure ones that were only available on that format could get a little expensive. Sometimes they could be a _lot_ expensive.

Greg sighed from the driver’s seat. “I gotta be honest, Sadie, getting this gig as your guys’ manager’s the most exciting thing I’ve had going on in years. I’m doing my best to dial it back, since I know you don’t want anyone getting all pushy when it comes to your creativity,” he said confidentially. “But at least let me get you whatever _you_ want at the costume shop. I got all this money, and no clue what to do with any of it, really,” he added absently, then his chin firmed.

“But it’s really not about _me_ , or at least, that’s not why I wanna make sure you guys get all the stuff you need. The songs are _great_ , and your performances are just...” He kissed his fingers like a corny TV chef. “I really believe in Sadie Killer and the Suspects. I consider it, uh, what’s it called. A sound investment,” he finished with a smile and nod.

“Thanks, Mr U.” Sadie shook her head, reminded where Steven’s terrible puns came from, although she wondered if Mr Universe was even doing it on purpose half the time. She had to admit she felt a warm glow from his approval, but a self-deprecating chuckle slipped from her. “Although, I don’t know if I can make any guaranteed returns for a horror-themed ska band coming up about 20 years too late. Heh,” she finished nervously.

Greg glanced at her as he flipped on his turn signal and then leaned his elbow on her seat a moment to check his blind spot. He finished changing lanes, then spoke to her a little more seriously.

“Sadie, when you’re being yourself and doing something you’re really passionate about, you can’t worry about someone coming along to give you permission.” His brows knit together like he was really thinking about it. “It’s not like you’re _pretending_ to like all those movies and books, right? You’re really into it, and it makes you feel better. Maybe you don’t feel that way _all_ the time, but it’s a part of you. Being human is hard for a lot of people, and maybe going to see your band, hearing your songs about all that scary stuff, and all the stuff that's hard to talk about, helps people deal with those feelings in a positive way. I don’t think that’s silly; it’s important and people should support it. That’s _art_.”

“I never thought about it that way,” Sadie replied slowly. “I guess sometimes it’s easy to forget that other people might be going through some of the same things I am, or even like the same things I like. I don’t know why I feel embarrassed about it.” She frowned a moment, then added a bit grumpily, “Well, maybe I _do_ know why I feel embarrassed about it, a little, but that doesn’t mean I have to be.”

“Kind of like you and outer space,” Sadie continued thoughtfully. “Maybe people thought it was just a gimmick at first, but you really do hang around with actual aliens and stuff.” She shook her head a little, feeling uncharacteristically bold. “I just collect old movies, but you really live that _life_ , y’know? Maybe I _am_ just sort of pretending.”

Mr Universe glanced at her incredulously. “Sadie. Those actual aliens almost kidnapped _you_ into outer space! I can’t think of any movie scarier than _that_. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl told me you almost-” He cut himself off and exhaled uncomfortably. “We’re all kind of living this life, whether we want to or not. But maybe that’s everybody’s life, too, you know? We didn’t ask to be born, so we just gotta do the best we can.” He looked a little grim.

“I almost got kidnapped, but Lars...he _did_ get kidnapped,” Sadie replied quietly. “And I don’t know if I almost died? That mean blue gem was saying that we didn’t have to be alive for whatever they needed us for.” She swallowed reflexively. “But Lars….he really _did_ die,” Sadie finished in a tiny voice. She didn’t even like to think about it most of the time, but something about Greg’s practical attitude about it all seemed like it was pulling it out of her.

She thought about the last time she saw Lars; she needed his help, _really_ needed him, and he just ran away. Like he always did. And it was like, she couldn’t even be mad at him about it, because it’s not as if she didn’t know what he was like before any of that even happened. Maybe she knew him too well. And despite all of it, she couldn’t help how she'd felt about him; how she still felt, sometimes. Most of the time.

_All the time._

“Sadie, hey. I’m sorry about all of this. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

Sadie realized she was crying, and wiped away a tear in surprise. “Oh! Oh, hey, don’t mind me, I’m-uh, am I breaking your concentration? We can just be quiet and drive, I’m sorry.”

Greg looked at her warmly. “Kiddo, if I couldn’t drive the van while someone was crying in here, I’d literally never get anywhere,” he said with a grin, then frowned a moment. “Well, unless it's Pearl. She gets a little grabby.”

That surprised a short bark of laughter out of her, and she pulled up the neckline of her t-shirt and pressed it against her eyes to dry them. She took a deep, calming breath.

“No, no, it’s okay. Maybe the problem is that I _don’t_ talk about it.” Sadie considered that a second. “Not like I don’t want to, or... because it makes me upset, even though I guess it does?” She glanced over at Greg, but he just nodded reassuringly. “It’s not like making a song about it. Not many people can really relate to all this, you know? Like, ‘Hey, my sort-of-but-not-really boyfriend got abducted by aliens, then they killed him but my friend brought him back to life with magical tears and now he’s like completely pink and also undead or something! So it’s probably fine!’” Sadie laughed shortly, then blinked in surprise as a connection occurred to her.

“Is that what happened to you?” she said without thinking, then her face turned into an inferno as she realized what she’d said, and Greg got pretty quiet. She sort of wanted to groan and sink through the seat of the car, maybe do a few barrel rolls under the wheels.

 _Great job, Miller,_ she thought furiously. _Way to really put your foot in it!_

When she finally gathered up the courage to shoot a covert glance over at Mr Universe, he didn’t look embarrassed or mad; the look on his face reminded her of something she’d heard her mom say about him a few times.

_That boy’s got some mileage on him._

Sadie couldn’t think of Mr Universe anywhere near the category of _boy_ , but everyone in town knew that look he got sometimes. Not quite sad, not afraid, but like he was looking at something that was very far away. Something that no one else could see. Everyone knew there were some questions you just shouldn’t ask Greg Universe.

“No, that’s not what happened to me,” Mr Universe said in an odd voice. “I still need to eat, and drink, and sleep, and...I don’t know what else. All the usual human stuff.” He didn’t look at her, but his voice got a little more normal as he continued. “From what Steven says, Lars doesn’t really need to do any of that anymore, but otherwise he’s the same. He’s still _him_. As okay as someone can be after everything he’s probably been through. Sure, he’s got a lot on his plate, but you’re going through a lot, too, and there’s not really anything you can do about it right now. So you just have to keep on doing what you’re doing, which is honestly pretty amazing. You’re taking what you’re going through and making it into something people _can_ relate to”

Sadie nodded, trying to will her face to at least feel less purple. “That’s what Connie told me, too. I mean, the part about Lars not needing to eat and sleep anymore. Hearing it from her really made it seem, I don’t know, real? Not that Steven’s unreliable or anything, it’s just…”

Greg smiled thinly, and Sadie tried to think of a word to describe the look. Unearthly? No, Mr Universe was always very much an _earthy_ sort of person. Maybe ethereal? He was talking, though, and she tried to remember to listen instead of getting caught up in finding words for ideas.

“Sometimes it helps to just hear it from another human being. And sure, Steven’s human but he’s also a gem. With gems, sometimes you’ll be sure you’re both talking about the same thing, but then you realize later you weren’t. It’s hard to tell with them sometimes; Steven maybe especially.” He glanced over at her. “But it seems like all you’ve been talking about are really other people’s problems. Like, of course that affects you, but what about _you_ -you?”

Sadie sighed and really thought about it. “I guess I just really feel like I’m at loose ends, y’know? When I had my job, and Lars, and Mom breathing down my neck, it was like yeah, maybe I had to put up with a lot but I always knew what to do, or how to feel about it? Or at least it was just...the same. It was normal.” Sadie sighed.

“I guess maybe I’m...lonely? I know it probably seems weird, but I actually used to talk about this stuff with...with Lars. Now it’s like, the only time it comes out is when I’m performing. It’s like I take that feeling, all those mornings I wake up and don’t even get out of bed because I wouldn’t even know where to start, and just let it out all at once. And it feels _good_ , you know? It’s like letting all the worst feelings _out_ turns into the best feeling in the world. Is that messed up or what?”

“It’s not messed up at all. That’s just making music. Besides, don’t your bandmates and you have that in common? Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny probably feel the same way.”

Sadie rubbed her chin. “Maybe? It’s hard to tell with them. The way they play’s really tight, you know, like they’re always in sync with each other. But they’ve got their own thing going on, and I’m not really a part of that, you know? Not that I want to be,” she added hurriedly.

Greg just shrugged. “Yeah, I kinda picked up on that.”

“Heh,” Sadie laughed weakly. “But in a way, I’m really spending time with myself, in a way I haven’t before. I’ve got a lot of time to listen to what I think.” Sadie laughed. “I even talked with Steven about it a little, too. Just, thinking about who you are, and _why_ you're that way. Which is a weird thing to talk about with a little kid, but I-” Sadie cut herself off, thinking.

Sadie had known Mr Universe and Steven for so long, she couldn’t even remember meeting them. Ever since she was a kid, Greg had always just been around. Sadie remembered being young and falling asleep in the back of this very van, although she wasn’t sure if it was once or a bunch of times blending together like little kids’ memories do sometimes. But she really considered how long it had been since those days; even though Steven didn't look much different, he acted different. A lot different.

“Steven’s really not a little kid anymore though, is he?” Sadie added thoughtfully.

“He’s finally growing up. And so are you,” Greg inclined his head. “You’re a very talented young woman, coming in to your own and all that. I’m really proud of all you’ve accomplished.”

“Thanks, Mr Universe. But I don’t really feel grown up, most of the time. Ever,” she amended.

Greg grinned. “That feeling never really goes away. Even I don’t feel grown up most of the time, and I’m about as old as dirt.”

Sadie laughed, feeling a little more grown up than usual. She was the lead singer and lyricist of a band; Greg Universe was her manager, and for the first time it occurred to her that he was also someone she considered a friend.

"Why don't we put on some tunes?" she asked.

"Well, I would, but we're here." Greg replied amiably. "Check _that_ thing out!"

Sadie peered out over the dashboard, where some kind of enormous pink object was becoming visible. Greg turned the corner into the parking lot of the outlet mall, and she got a good look at it full-on. A sign advertised "HalloweenTown Warehouse", and above it, attached to the roof somehow, was an enormous inflatable balloon, shaped like a ghost with a big, black yawning mouth and two sad-looking black eyes. Except...

"I wonder why it's pink?" Sadie asked, impressed by the sheer size of the thing as it shuddered in the prevailing sea breeze, stronger this much further down the coast.

Mr Universe shrugged one shoulder as he spun the wheel and guided the van into a surprisingly close parking spot. Apparently there were some serious advantages to showing up early on a weekday morning.

"Not everything needs a reason," he said, smiling. "Sometimes things are just pink."


End file.
